Osama bin Laden's New Message

Osama bin Laden released a tape yesterday, in an attempt to frighten the decadent West and show his faithful supporters that he hasn't lost a step since his last tape three years ago. Judging from his performance on tape, he hasn't just a step, he might be missing a whole staircase.

Of course, maybe Osama is simply auditioning for a spot on Air America, given the way that his entire tape echoed Democrat talking points. After gloating about the effect of 9/11 on American foreign policy (which at least sets him apart from the 9/11 truthers), and even dragging in a "neoconservative" reference, Osama decrees that the American media lost all credibility because of its initial support of the Iraq War, a theme often seen in the writings of Michael Moore. Osama even expands on this point to conclude that (gasp) the media's condition "has often been worse than the condition of the media of the dictatorial regimes which march in the caravan of a single leader." Because Al-Qaeda apparently isn't a dictatorship.

After bin Laden gives us his take on the media, he turns his mental gaze on to the pressing issue of Iraq. After informing us that Bush "harvests nothing buy failure" in Iraq and complaining that Bush hasn't given the United Nations enough say (seriously), Osama refutes the position that leaving Iraq would result in a holocaust. Nonsense, says Osama, Muslims aren't allowed to burn living things! Bin Laden gives us all a little alternate history lesson by reminding us of the well-known fact that if Germany was just a little closer to the Middle East, the Jews would been saved by taking refuge with Muslims!

And Christans don't have anything to worry about either. There are millions of Christians in Egypt alone who Muslims very graciously haven't slaughtered. Yet. Maybe some should tell Osama about the situation of Christians in Egypt, or Iraq for that matter.

After informing us that democracy has destroyed the concept of liberty in Iraq and that we have killed 650,000 Iraqis ( the exact figure on Michael Moore's site. Coincidence?), Osama tells us about Vietnam, which any liberal knows is an exact parallel to Iraq. Osama shares the amazing fact that is still unknown to many historians: Kennedy was killed by big corporations because he wanted to end the Vietnam War! Technically, Kennedy started the Vietnam War, but anyway. Well, you can see the parallels. If you can't, simply turn to one of Osama's favorite authors on the topic (drum roll) Noam Chomsky, who now has a ringing endorsement to put on the dust cover of his next book.

Osama next turns his sights (figuratively, not the gun kind) on the Democratic Party. The reasons the Democrats haven't stopped the war are the same ones that Kennedy didn't: its the corporations. Money talks. And if you see any non sequiturs there, just read Noam Chomsky to clear them up.

There are, according to bin Laden, two solutions for Iraq. Number one is: Al-Qaeda will push us out. Not to be spoilsport or anything, but America has lost about 3,742 soldiers in Iraq. Al-Qaeda has lost around 55,000. Given that we have 160,000 troops in Iraq, we should be exterminated after about 2,200,000 Al-Qaeda soldiers given their lives, a Pyrrhic victory if I ever saw one.

The other solution is for us to give up on democracy. (Don't you love being given a choice?) Look at what democracy has inflicted: interest related debts, "insane taxes" and mortgages, hunger in Africa, and of course global warming. (How could Osama tell if there's global warming? Its always hot in Afghanistan). And, according to bin Laden, America is due to fall in the next few years anyway. After we discard democracy, we can convert to Islam, which has a low 2.5 tax rate.

If worst comes to worst for Osama bin Laden, it must reassuring for him to know that he can always get a job as a host for Air America, or maybe blog for the Daily Kos.